


Red

by lunaloop



Series: HQ!! OT3+ Week [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Haikyuu!! OT3+ Week, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Panic Attacks, bokuto's dejected mode, color system
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 11:39:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10786023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaloop/pseuds/lunaloop
Summary: It's a bad day and Bokuto wishes he had a color system like Kenma so he could tell Kuroo what's wrong.Or,a Bokuakakuroken-fic inspired by the HQ!! OT3+ week prompt "Red".





	Red

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Red

Bokuto can tell it’s going to be a bad day. He can tell from the moment he opens his eyes – no, actually, he notices even before that, since the sadness is there from the moment he becomes conscious, weighing down on his chest.

He doesn’t want to get up.

He has class later, but he feels no motivation whatsoever to move a single muscle. His eyes travel across the room and come to rest on the half-empty canvas leaning against the wall opposite his bed.

The picture is an assignment that is due next week. Bokuto originally planned to work on it today, finishing off the scene fitting the theme ‘Spring Has Sprung’. Though, now he knows he won’t be able to complete it.

It would be surprising if he actually managed to do anything today.

Bokuto turns around in his bed, unable to get comfortable. His dejected state of mind has taken over everything, making his bones ache and his heart, too, deep inside where he barely feels it. Though, he still knows it’s there.

He wishes Akaashi was here with him, but he is also aware that isn’t possible. Akaashi is preparing for his finals right now and can’t visit a lot. Bokuto won’t bother him. He needs all the time he can get to study.

Nonetheless, Bokuto can’t get Akaashi’s picture out of his mind. The reserved setter has always been the best at handling his former captain’s moods. Akaashi always managed to make Bokuto feel better in the past and now that he isn’t there, the crushing heaviness on his chest weighs down even harder.

How is Bokuto supposed to handle today without Akaashi?

Looking at the wall, he feels like he is drowning, like everything is slowly fading to black but he can’t leave. He wishes he could.

Bokuto is slightly afraid.

This has never happened before, but the thought of Kuroo seeing him like this gives him chills. His boyfriend and former best friend has never really witnessed how he acts in his dejected state, and Bokuto is afraid he won’t be able to handle it.

What is he even supposed to do? It is one of those days, hence nothing can make Bokuto feel better. It’s just that, despite all of his usual energy and liveliness, there are days he is depressed.

Days when he can’t get up. Days when he wishes he could stop breathing. Days when he stays in bed, tormented by hazy dream mazes he just can’t escape.

Kuroo can’t make him feel better, especially not now that Akaashi isn’t there.

How is he even going to tell his bed-headed boyfriend, Bokuto muses. At that moment, he wishes he had a colour system like Kenma, one that provides an easy way of telling others how he is feeling.

Today would be a red day, Bokuto knows. He briefly wonders if that is what Kenma feels like on red days. If he senses the same hopelessness buried deep under his heart.

Seconds, minutes, maybe hours pass. Bokuto can’t get up. He simply isn’t able to. His eyes are burning and there is a lump in his throat, but he can’t do anything.

He feels worthless for not being able to move.

At some point, Kuroo knocks at the door. For a moment, Bokuto contemplates hiding under the blankets just to avoid confrontation. But he finds he is unable to find the power in him, not capable of moving the bedsheets just the slightest bit.

He probably can’t even talk right now.

“Hey, Bo, are you up?” Kuroo’s muffled voice rings out to him. “Don’t you have class in thirty minutes.”

Bokuto really wants to answer, he really wants to tell him what is going on. But he can’t. Just like Kuroo can’t help.

“Bo?” the middle-blocker tries again outside. “Bo, you in there?”

When he is ignored once again, he decides he doesn’t care for an answer and comes into the room.

“Bo? You okay?”

Bokuto shrugs, still facing the wall. Is he okay? Probably not. Will he be okay? He doesn’t know. Can he tell anyone? Definitely not.

Kuroo comes closer and Bokuto feels the mattress dip down. He prays to god that his boyfriend won’t try to touch him, unsure if he could take it right now. Luckily, Kuroo remains unmoving.

He may be a touchy-feely person usually, but being with Kenma his whole life has taught him when to respect personal space.

“You’re not gonna go to class today?”

Technically, what Kuroo says is a statement, though he makes it sound like a question, which is why Bokuto shakes his head ever so slightly.

“Okay. Well, I’ll get going soon. I just wanted to tell you Kenma’s still here. He- It’s a red day today and no touch- He had a panic attack last night and I figured it’d be best to leave him here today.”

How ironic, Bokuto thinks. Now it’s not only him but also Kenma who is feeling bad. Nonetheless, he can’t bring himself to care very much – he absolutely hates himself because of that. He should care, but he can’t.

“So, that’s all I guess. I’ll be back this evening. Maybe I’ll pick up Akaashi, though, depending on how much work he has to do.”

Kuroo stands up.

“Bye, Bo. I love you.”

He doesn’t kiss his boyfriend goodbye, but it’s better that way. Bokuto listens to his footsteps and the sound of the door opening when suddenly, Kuroo speaks up again.

“Oh, do you need anything?”

Bokuto can’t answer. He just lies there silently until he hears Kuroo leave, strolling around the hallway for a few moments as he gets his stuff together. Two minutes later, he hears the door fall shut. Kuroo is gone.

I’m sorry, Kuroo, Bokuto thinks painfully. I’m sorry I can’t deal with myself today. I’m sorry I’m a failure. I’m sorry.

**********************

Bokuto continues to wallow in his misery. The crushing guilt he feels for ignoring Kuroo like that doesn’t make anything easer. He just hopes Kuroo doesn’t blame himself, that he calls Akaashi and the setter will explain it to him.

It’s not Kuroo’s fault. If anything, it’s Bokuto’s.

The house is completely silent after Kuroo has left. There’s no sound disturbing the stillness, no noise reminding Bokuto of Kenma’s presence, though that is not unusual. He has witnessed enough bad days already to know Kenma is even quieter during those.

His attacks are quiet, too, then. Apart from the fact that he’s shaking furiously and silent tears are streaming down his face, no one can tell he is panicking, usually.

The longer Bokuto lies, the heavier his body seems to get. He tries to sleep in an attempt to drive the sadness away, but all he gets are restless dreams of dark streets and silent suffering as he is dozing. When he wakes up again, he notices his hair is hanging into his face, but he can’t bring himself to care.

Why would he bother to style it? It’s all pointless, anyway. Today, his existence itself is pointless.

If Bokuto’s bladder hadn’t disagreed, he wouldn’t have left his bed at all. Yet here he is, walking to the bathroom like a zombie. He isn’t quite sure if he is awake or dreaming – and thinking about it, he isn’t sure if he is even alive. He certainly wouldn’t be surprised if he found his heart isn’t beating inside his ribcage.

Bokuto doesn’t bother to look at his reflection as he passes the mirror in the bathroom. He already knows he looks like shit, and he couldn’t care less.

He quickly finishes his business and washes his hands, planning on retreating to his bedroom again. On his way back, he passes Kuroo’s room and sees there is a small gap between the actual door and the doorframe which he can peek through.

He doesn’t see much, just his boyfriend’s bed with a heap of blankets on top of it, bare feet sticking out at one side. Bokuto knows it is Kenma, curled up and trying to fight his own insanity. The sight makes something in the wing-spiker’s chest clench – it’s about the only thing he has felt today beside crushing sadness.

Bokuto drags himself back into his room. He crashes on the mattress, not caring about the crumpled sheets beneath him. He wants to sleep – so he does.

******************

4 o’clock has passed when Bokuto awakes again, and surprisingly, he seems to be slightly better. He still feels unworthy, useless, but it isn’t as hard to move and actually do something.

He notices his stomach is grumbling, yet he knows he is not ready to eat yet. He trudges out of his room nonetheless, planning on going to the kitchenette to pour himself a glass of water – Kuroo will kill him if he finds out he hasn’t drunk anything all day.

However, right before he reaches the kitchen counter, Bokuto hears a noise. It’s small, _miniscule_ , but his brain still picks up on it, immediately locating it.

Bokuto knows it must be Kenma.

He doesn’t feel like investigating, but he knows that if he doesn’t go, he will feel like a bad boyfriend on top of everything else – he isn’t sure if he could take that.

Therefore, Bokuto slowly makes his way into the hallway, looking around in search for Kenma. He looks into Kuroo’s room, but it’s empty. Then, Bokuto’s gaze flickers over to the door of the storage closet, which is the tiniest bit open.

He knows Kenma is in there. It’s just like him to run and hide whenever he feel like there is too much space around him. Sometimes, Kenma needs space, lots and lots of space, but other times, he can’t deal with wideness and needs narrow, small rooms where he can curl up and suffer through his misery.

It doesn’t make sense to Bokuto – but does anxiety make any sense, really?

Slowly, the ace pushes the door open, careful not to act like he is intruding. If his presence made Kenma’s anxiety spike any more, he wouldn’t feel better.

“Kenma?”

It’s the first word he has spoken today and the name feels very weird on his lips. Bokuto doesn’t get an answer, but a muffled noise makes him look down, finding Kenma in a small ball on the floor as he shields himself from the light.

Bokuto knows what that means – the half-blonde probably doesn’t acknowledge his presence right now.

The wing-spiker crouches down slowly, debating whether or not he should shake Kenma’s arm to make himself known. Then he remembers what Kuroo has told him this morning – no touch.

He is more than fine with that.

For a while, Bokuto just sits there and waits. It’s probably one of the worst panic attacks he has witnessed so far and Kenma keeps shaking and quietly crying for a long time until he finally starts to calm down gradually.

When he is positive Kenma will recognize him, Bokuto speaks up again, voice hoarse from the lack of use.

“Kenma? You okay?”

He knows Kuroo asked him the same thing earlier, but he figures it is appropriate nonetheless. It’s not like he is really asking if Kenma is okay – he knows he isn’t – but another way of showing he cares.

Is he even allowed to say that? Does he care?

For the first time today, Bokuto pushes the pressuring thoughts aside and focuses his entire attention on Kenma. That helps, he notices. It serves as a good distraction for now.

At his boyfriend’s question, Kenma lets out a strangled sob and rocks back and forth on his knees, expression still mirroring the horror of his attack. Bokuto briefly wonders if he should retreat, but Kenma isn’t backing off, so he figures he is okay with his presence.

Dealing with the half-blonde in his panicked state isn’t easy, Bokuto knows, and if he were to leave at the wrong moment, he would make it even worse for Kenma. He decides to stay.

Again, a lot of time passes until the silence is disturbed. Again, it’s Bokuto who speaks up – weird, considering he couldn’t find it in himself to even move this morning.

“D-Do you want your game?”

He is slightly hesitant to ask, afraid he is going to disturb Kenma, but what choice does he have, really? They can’t sit like this until Kuroo comes home.

Surprisingly, Kenma vehemently shakes his head at the question, his bottom lip quivering.

“I c-can’t even- It doesn’t help.”

He hides his face in his hand and Bokuto’s heart breaks at the sight. He knows it’s a horrible day, if Kenma can’t even regain his indifferent façade he uses to hide his anxiety.

_Why do days like this one have to exist? Why do Kenma and I have to be tortured?_

Bokuto doesn’t understand. He wishes he could. Maybe it would help prevent him from going into his dejected mood. If he understood, maybe he could make everything better.

He opens his mouth again, suddenly unable to stand the dead silence lingering around them.

“Color?”

He has heard Kuroo ask this question so many times, but it feels foreign on his own lips. When it comes to Kenma, Bokuto is always hesitant, worrying that they forced him into this relationship, that he doesn’t want this, that it is killing him inside.

It’s not easy to get close to the setter, but Kuroo accomplished the task years ago and Akaashi, with his serenity and the peace he brings, managed to do so as well. Bokuto himself finds it hard, though. He knows he is loud and probably insufferable and he hopes it doesn’t cause Kenma any distress. He hopes the pudding-head thinks about him happily. He hopes that Kenma also gets a warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest, despite not being _this_ close to him.

He hopes they will become closer as time goes on.

“Yellow…” Kenma whispers, startling Bokuto slightly.

His small hands are still covering his face, but golden eyes peek through the gaps between his fingers, pupils wide due to the darkness of the storage room.

Yellow, Bokuto repeats in his head. That means only Kuroo, and in certain situations Akaashi, is allowed to touch him right now.

“Okay,” the wing-spiker says as he observes Kenma without moving.

He can’t reach out to him, although he kind of wants to hug him. It would make everything worse.

“It’s okay.”

Kenma’s sudden remark takes Bokuto by complete surprise. He stares at him incredulously, mouth agape, trying to figure out what on earth he meant.

“It’s okay,” his boyfriend repeats, voice still shaky and timid. Nonetheless, Bokuto can sense that he is serious, that he _means_ what he’s just said, that he wants Bokuto to…

“You mean, it’s okay if I…”

Kenma nods.

“Y-yeah. I wan- I need you to, please.”

Barely having finished his sentence, he is already enveloped in a bone-crushing hug, Bokuto’s warmth surrounding him and easing the knot in his chest just a little.

And suddenly, Bokuto is sure the weight that has been bothering all day has suddenly become much lighter, much easier to bear. Finally, he can breathe again and he knows he is alive and well – Kenma trusts him. He lets him touch him although it’s _yellow_.

He must want all of this after all.

Bokuto wants to tell the small setter how much he loves him, but he holds back, figuring it may overwhelm Kenma right now. Therefore, he just settles with holding him tight to his chest as his boyfriend’s heartbeat goes back to normal very slowly.

“Why don’t your games help?” Bokuto asks after a while.

“I don’t know,” Kenma replies. “They only made it worse.”

“How many attacks have you had today?”

“Three, including the one last night.”

“Oh. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“It’s okay. I wasn’t ready for anyone.”

Neither was I, Bokuto thinks.

A smile tugs at his lips as he feels the warmth Kenma’s body is emitting. It’s then that he realizes that upon worrying about Kenma, his own problems drifted further and further away until he was able to shake them off.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. He knows it. It’s not going to be red.

The only thing that’s going to be red are the flowers he still needs to paint until the end of next week.

“Thank you, thank you,” Bokuto tells Kenma as he squeezes him tightly. “You made everything so much better.”

“But I-“

“Shush, you did. And now, why don’t we go see if you can play your games now?”

**Author's Note:**

> hey there :)
> 
> this is my first work for the hq ot3+ week or for any of these "week" things, really. it's also my first time writing haikyuu, which is why i'm slightly nervous about posting this.  
> i hope you all enjoyed.   
> more works are to come, probably about bokuakakuroken and matsuhanaiwaoi because those are my favs.  
> also, please note that english is not my mother tongue and sometimes i just forget how to speak.
> 
> see ya.


End file.
